Video Game Fantasy League Update, September 2012

The VGFL is our terrible attempt at applying the principles of fantasy sports to the world of gaming. For full rules and the original draft, see here.

Here at the VGFL, we solemnly promise never to lock out our referees. If we ever acquire any. I’m working on a set of penalty hand signals just in case. Should a scandalous sex scene that causes a brouhaha (3 points) be called via hands-on-hips and three pelvic thrusts or with a simple roll of the eyes and a stern finger wag? Decisions, decisions!

We’ve had some movement in the standings, ladies and gentlemen, and I’m ecstatic to finally be out of the basement. It was getting a bit musty down there, and I wasn’t looking forward to inventing more cheesy rules to try to help my cause. Being a corrupt commissioner is hard work; I feel Gary Bettman’s pain.

The standings thus far…
Team Koziol, 35 points
Team Phegan, 15 points
Team Yacht Captain, 14 points
Team McAnus, 12 points (haha!)

Scoring update
World of Warcraft: Mists of Pandaria sells 1 million copies (10 points, Team Koziol) – The VGFL’s juggernaut just keeps rolling along. Ho hum. Perhaps next season we’ll include bonus points for characters that eat bamboo.

Borderlands 2 sells 1 million copies (10 points, Team Yacht Captain)  Although the final numbers have yet to be released, the game generated 1.25 million preorders worldwide. If only the commercial had been a bit more melodramatic (5 points), I’d be looking at second place.

Deadspace 3 developers hope their new game is “Quadruple-A” (Team Yacht Captain, 2 points) - The rule I created just so I could finally score a few points strikes yet again. In baseball parlance, a quad-A player is a guy that’s too good for the minors but who possesses glaring flaws that keep him from becoming a bonafide Major League regular. According to this comment, Visceral Executive Producer Steve Papoutsis wants his new game to be Wily Mo Pena. Yes, I know AAA is supposed to mean the best-of-the-best when it comes to gaming; just bare with me on this one and laugh and let me have the two points.

September waivers
Team McAnus - Pokemon Black and White 2. Kyle snags a Nintendo stalwart that’s sure to be rife with controversy. Oh Squirtle; you’re so dirty.
Roster: Spec Ops: The Line (5 points for melodramatic commercial; 2 points for “cancerous multiplayer” comment), Fable: The Journey, Black Ops 2, Far Cry 3 (5 points for being delayed), Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, Dishonored

Team Yacht Captain – New Super Mario Bros. U. Remember when we used to put the letter X after everything? I hated that shit. I think I’m going to hate this U thing even more, if only because the interior of GameStop is about to resemble a giant misspelled text message.
Roster: Lollipop Chainsaw, Borderlands 2 (2 points for “girlfriend mode” comment; 10 points for sales), Assassin’s Creed 3, The Secret World, The Last of Us, Dead Space 3 (2 points for AAAA comment)

Team Phegan: Medal of Honor: Warfighter. Games featuring colons in their titles have not fared well thus far, but choosing a popular franchise’s fall release seems like good roster management. Then again, so did drafting Titans’ running back Chris Johnson in the first round of your fantasy football draft. I am not happy with that dude.
Roster: Dragon Age 3 (5 points for being delayed), Sim City 5, Halo 4, Guild Wars 2 (10 points for selling 1 million copies), Bioshock Infinite, Torchlight 2

Team Koziol: Elder Scrolls Online. A title sure to generate its share of controversy and, knowing Bethesda, piss off a bunch of fans with a buggy release. Fucking Koz strikes again.
Roster:  Max Payne 3 (10 points for selling 1 million in its first week), Diablo 3 (10 points for selling 1 million in its first week; 3 points for being released broken and in need of a patch; 2 points for a patch making things worse), Grand Theft Auto 5, Tomb Raider, South Park: The Stick of Truth, World of Warcraft: Mists of Pandaria (10 points for sales)

Tune in next month, when jokes about the NFL’s replacement referees and the NHL lockout have hopefully become so last month.

 

 


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