Did you know it’s No Shave November? Did you know that both Halo 4 and Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 will be available this month? Did you know that combination of factors will likely lead to a sharp decrease in teenage pregnancy? You didn’t? Then you obviously haven’t been paying attention to Twitter; search for Halo 4, and you’ll find a never-ending stream of people repeating the same damn joke using the above chain of cause and effect ad nauseam. None of them have any consideration for the difficulties their behavior is causing those of us responsible for best of Twitter articles. Shame on them!
Luckily, there are a few original Halo 4 tweets out there. These were the best I was able to find before the barrage of terrible teen pregnancy jokes kicked me into a Courvoisier-fueled stupor. I woke up next to a clown with my pants on backwards beside the dumpster behind McDonald’s.
@vivafrankie says: Did you know that theres a part in Halo 4 where you stand in line for 5 hours and play a dork?
I say: Sounds like every level that’s ever involved the Flood.
@krystipryde says: Mitt Romney hates vaginas. He’d never play co-op Halo 4 with his wife.
I say: Which wife? Oh snap! Wait, he only has one. Shit. Way to fuck up my awesome mormon joke, Mitt. Dude can’t do anything right.
@nick_sunga says: If I trade GameStop two copies of halo 2 do I get halo 4 for free?
I say: I suspect that’ll get you approximately $10.
@MaxScoville says: Between Mass Effect’s Proteans, Halo 4’s Prometheans, and Ridley Scott’s Prometheus, can we think of some new cool-sounding sci-fi words?
I say: No. That would be work, see, and we writers hate work. Why do you think we do a weekly Twitter wrap-up every Friday? No work.
@JROtolone says: I’ve never seen so many cargo shorts in one place than at the release of halo 4
I say: Sounds like someone’s never been to Medieval Times on a Friday night!
@MikeBassarear says: I would rather watch a child be born than be in this halo 4 release line
I say: As a man that considers dropping his basket and immediately leaving anytime there’s more than three people in the express checkout line at the grocery store, I concur. As a man that used to work at a museum with a birth exhibit featuring a full length video of the miracle of life–trust me, you’re better off standing around outside your local GameStop in 30 degree weather listening to the dude in front of you play the entire Halo 2 soundtrack on his ukelele. Just trust me on this one.
@eiramanaily says: ahhhh I’m craving halo 4 like I craved hot funyuns with dip when I was pregnant.
#salivating lol #ha
I say: I bet she’s content to wait in line.
@NickSwardson says: Tomorrow is a huge day for our country. We need to ban together and think about our futures. So I URGE you!!! Buy Halo 4 and try and kill me
I say: You have been daintily slapped in the face with a white glove, Internet. Take this guy down.
@xMiss_Merk says: Master Chief and Cortana – still a better love story then twilight
I say: I’m on Team Gravemind. He’s going to steal that saucy blue strumpet; just you wait and see! It’s on my glittery t-shirt!
@boring_as_heck says: Halo 4 sucks so far. If you forget to put a toilet in, your little Halo guy just stands there and pisses himself.
I say: You know what would suck? If the Chief forgot to turn his shields off before taking a dump. Nobody wants a poopy shield.
@BigBeaird says: Halo 4 or teabag a beartrap
I say: Just stay away from glue traps. Those things are inhumane.
@xStreszewski says: There’s sexual tension between me and the Covenant Carbine in Halo 4.
I say: You know…I can see it. Those sensual curves. That round, comfortable grip. The way it bucks against your shoulder when you finger its trigger. The way…oh, to hell with this! I’m leaving to find some lotion and a sock.