Following Irrational’s recruitment of Moscow-based cosplayer Anna Moleva as the official face of Bioshock Infinite‘s Elizabeth, dressing up as your favorite character might seem like a good way to work your way into the gaming industry. If you’re an attractive lady who happens to look just like a popular heroine, you might be right. If, however, your best option is one of the five following characters, you should probably save yourself the embarrassment and just skip it.
5. Slippy Toad, Star Fox series – If there’s a crappy gaming characters list, this dude’s probably on it. Attending your local convention dressed as everyone’s least favorite wingman probably won’t get you many phone numbers–especially if you can perfectly match Slippy’s voice, a sound that combines squeaky and annoying so thoroughly that it can only be described as squannoying. I don’t care how well your skin takes green pigment, cosplaying as Slippy Toad is a bad idea.
4. Incubus, Persona series – You know what that spiky thing is? No, it’s not an ingrown toenail. That’s his…uh…well…let’s just say that if this guy put on pants, there would not be a banana in his pocket and he would be very happy to see you. I don’t care how badly you want to see your picture hanging on the wall in your local post office, cosplaying as Incubus is a bad idea.
3. Voldo, Soul Calibur series – Voldo, essentially, is Edward Scissorhands sporting the bandage outfit made famous by Leeloo from The Fifth Element, then mixed up with a whole bunch of what-the-fuck and served slightly chilled with a dash of oh-shit-stay-away. Multipass? Not quite. Start with not being able to see, eat, or speak. Combine that with the fact that you’re going to be really fucking cold. I don’t care how good you think you look in a cod piece, cosplaying as Voldo is a bad idea.
2. Tingle, Legend of Zelda series – The only fairy I’ve ever suspected of owning a white panel van is creepy on a whole other level. Maybe it’s because of how poorly he shoved his portly man body into a set of Hylian fairy greens usually reserved for the younger generation. Maybe it’s those rosy cheeks that surround his used car salesman smile. I don’t care how with it and hip you think the kids think you are, cosplaying as Tingle is a bad idea.
1. Trip, Enslaved: Odyssey to the West – Quite possibly the perfect video game heroine, Trip is the ultimate combination of beauty, brains, and resourcefulness. She does what she has to do to survive, even if it means enslaving a hulking brute of a man who could rip her limb-from-limb, but she’s not so vapid that she doesn’t realize that what she’s doing is wrong. No earthly woman can possibly compare, and I don’t want to see anyone get injured trying. I don’t care how cute you think you look with a mechanical dragonfly tucked behind your ear, cosplaying as Trip is a bad idea. You’ll never properly pull it off. Do your self-esteem a favor and don’t even try.