Compiling a top five list of E3 stupidity would be easy if I didn’t take so much pride in my journalistic integrity. “Xbox One, Xbox One, Xbox One, Xbox One, Xbox One” would surely get the job done, keep the people happy, and get us plenty of shares on reddit, but it wouldn’t be much fun. I’m excusing the Xbox One from this list; it’s not a moment or a new announcement, after all.
On to the list of gaffs, boners, and head scratchers!
5. Diablo 3 for the Playstation 4 will include items inspired by Uncharted and Journey. If there’s one thing that’ll instill the fear of truth and justice in the demons of the netherworld, it’s a Nathan Drake mask. I’ve never understood the appeal of this kind of crossover, and the thought that someone, someday is going to buy some Journey-looking gauntlets from someone else via Diablo 3’s real money auction house makes me want to stop believin’. Oh man, see what I did there? A small town girl living in a lonely world couldn’t have done any better.
4. The Raving Rabbids have a movie. I mean…what? Out of all the things Ubisoft could be spending their time on (*cough* Beyond Good & Evil 2 *cough*) and all the properties they could be turning into motion pictures (*cough* Beyond Good & Evil *cough*), this is what we get? Maybe this makes more sense if you’re French (*cough* Beyond Good & Evil, sacre bleu! *cough*).
3. Microsoft’s audio cuts out. Did someone yell “mute!” at the Kinect running their presentation? I kind of hope so. That’s a much better story than “oops, the house audio guy spilled his coffee on the sound board.”
2. Sony CEO Michael Lynton ostensibly describes movies and TV as “the type of entertainment gamers know and love.” Umm, how’s about video games? Do we know them but not love them? Love them but not know them? And how, exactly, is this content “curated for gamers?” Can I press triangle to make Walter White suddenly kill someone? Will square make The Phantom Menace go away forever? This felt like a terribly half-assed attempt to both make fun of Microsoft for veering away from gaming and to try to out-veer them.
Wait! Wait! I know what he means by content “curated for gamers!” They’re going to remove all instances of “Damn it, Marie!” from Breaking Bad and make us pay $5 extra to download each one! That’s just smart business.
1. Master Chief rocks a hoody. Obi-John 117 up at the top of this page looks a tad foolish. The invisibility technology used by Elites who want to sword the Chief in the ass when he isn’t looking would seem to have rendered cloaks a sorely outdated item in every Spartan’s wardrobe. Maybe he’s cold because his new Cortana hasn’t quite gotten the hang of working a MJOLNIR’s thermostat. Personally, I like to think the Chief wears all kinds of silly clothing over his armor all the time. I could totally see him as that insecure tool who refuses to go au natural under his toga at a frat party. If I had any Photoshop skills whatsoever, I’d whip up a picture of him relaxing in a big recliner, rocking a Heffner-esque smoking jacket as Cortana reads him the paper. Regardless, putting the Chief in a cloak was fucking silly.
You know what this means: DLC. Five bucks for Master Chief in a bathrobe!