The D Bag Matinee: Starcraft 2: Heart of the Swarm’s Opening Cinematic

Holy hell. If that doesn’t get you excited to play Starcraft 2: Heart of the Swarm, I don’t know what will. Coupons for a half-price massage at the shady spa of your choice? A basket of puppies, on the house? Seriously, what will it take? I’m the worst Starcraft player in the history of Starcraft, and that trailer’s got me salivating at the chance to get my ass kicked by some eight-year-old who thinks its fun to question my sexuality.

We’ve got the Queen of Blades in all her creepy-but-still-attractive glory. We’ve got various -lisks trouncing overwhelmed Terran units. Showing a Zerg assault from that lower angle, up close and personal, makes it all the more impressive. I will probably scream like a little girl for Jim Raynor to come save me if I spot a house centipede tonight.

But the best part of this trailer? There’s some shit going down with Sarah Kerrigan. The shift from sneaky Terran Ghost to world conquering Queen of Blades and back is going to leave a few scars. I for one am extremely interested to see how she copes. Will she rebel and date that dude up the street with the snake tattoo on his arm who drives his bright red Camaro too fast? Will she hide in her room and compose poetry about the horrors of genetic manipulation? Will she use Jim Raynor in an attempt to regain her powers so she can continue her quest to trounce the government that abandoned her and seriously fuck some shit up? My money’s on that last one.

Maybe it’s time for Blizzard to pull an Advent Children and give us a full-fledged Starcraft film. That cinematic’s got all the audio and visual goodness required, and previous Starcraft games have proven the company’s skill at generating a compelling narrative. Think about it, Blizzard. Think about it.

I’m giving this one a perfect 5 star rating. What say you, dear readers?

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