Scott Colby for CEO of EA

EA CEO John Riccitiello tendered his resignation yesterday, citing that the company’s “financial performance is tracking below the expectations set at the beginning of our fiscal year.” Gamers everywhere went “haha pfffffffft yeah right SimCity LOL.”

And Dead Space 3.

And Dragon Age 2.

And the ending of Mass Effect 3.

And Star Wars: The Old Republic.

Oh, and news of a possible Origin exploit that could potentially lead to the installation of malware surfaced today, too.

A company with the pedigree and portfolio of EA should not be making so many mistakes. Seriously, how hard is it to make Madden a little bit better every year and not fuck up everything else?

That’s why I’m throwing my hat into EA’s metaphorical ring. Why hire another business man who doesn’t know a Garrus from a Zevran when you can hire a real gamer?

As CEO of EA, I hereby pledge that…

– I shalt expunge Dragon Age 2 from the official canon. Hawke’s adventures in Kirkwall were an experiment, nothing more. I thought the game was alright, but the masses have spoken–and if there’s one thing I know about making money, it’s that people will give you cash if you give them what they want.

– I shalt implement Beer Thursday as a means of improving morale. Nothing helps corporate solidarity like a weekly dose of the High Life.

– I shalt remove the always-on connectivity requirement and the city size restrictions from SimCity. There is no need for any of that crap. I’m also going to track down the people who decided those supposed features were necessary and bust them back down to intern status. Someone’s got to get Mr. Colby his morning coffee.

– I shalt always smell nice. First impressions are important when you’re a highfalutin’ businessman. I can’t have people think I’m running 38 Studios.

– For each of the company’s sports titles, I shalt only release a whole new game every five years. Those years in between? Annual roster, uniform, and stadium update packs will be available via DLC for $5. How’s that for a bargain?

– I shalt not bang any secretaries at the office Christmas party. I am a professional. It’ll happen at the super-secret offsite Easter gathering.

– I shalt sell off Origin to the highest bidder and put the proceeds toward improved AI for all of the company’s sports titles. Some of that money will also be put toward rookie name generation logic, because goddamn.

– I shalt not waste company money extending the exclusivity agreement with the NFL. No one’s going to buy a football game that isn’t Madden, and anyone dumb enough to do so deserves whatever they get.

– I shalt restrict the use of microtransactions to the sale of palette swaps and other purely aesthetic features. Everybody loves horse armor, right?

– I shalt revert EA’s DRM initiatives to an earlier form that thus far has proven to be the best copy protection known to man: creating awesome products that make people want to give you their money.

Sounds pretty good, huh? Do you part. Hand out fliers outside your local Gamestop. Flood EA’s message boards and mailboxes with correspondence espousing my credentials. When the white smoke rises out of the chimney at EA headquarters, you don’t want to see another smarmy businessman strolling out as their next CEO, you want to see a gamer. You want to see Scott Colby.

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