Dear King Whatever the Fuck Your Name Is,
Good morrow to you, sire. By now your lordship has surely noticed the spunky individuals taking up residence in a ragtag tent city opposite the Royal Drawbridge. Hyrule is surely a beautiful, well-governed kingdom, and yet even the greatest of nations suffers an imperfection or two. Shit could be worse, but it could also be a lot better, especially for your poorest subjects. We, your loyal and concerned subjects, have brought a petition explaining our wants and needs for kingly perusal.
- Firstly, 100% of the triforce is held by less than 1% of Hyrule’s population. This concentration of omnipotent magic is a blight upon the land that cannot be allowed to stand. We demand that it be broken into a few more pieces so that it might be more evenly distributed among your citizenry.
- We demand the creation of an independent review board to oversee all additions to your royal court. Need we remind you of Ganondorf? Even the best kings need a bit of help judging a man’s character from time to time.
- Those scheisters at Lon-Lon Ranch simply must be dealt with. Riding rates have increased 345% in the last six months. Their monopoly on milk simply cannot stand, and requiring customers to bring their own bottles is downright draconian, especially given the restrictions that stop your loyal subjects from carrying more than four bottles at a time. I kept fairies in those. They’re probably not particularly clean.
- Please insure all rupees stored in jars and bushes and find the little shit that keeps taking everyone’s hard earned savings. How’s an honest Hyrulian supposed to get ahead when any little punk with a stupid hat is free to take our rupees?
- Keep a closer eye on the royal princess. Every time she gets kidnapped or disappears or dreams prophetic dreams shit goes down. Keep her in line.
- None of us like the way the Happy Mask Salesman looks at us. Make him stop it.
- Oh, and the Gorons want rocks. Or something. Who the fuck knows.
We are confident, oh sire, that in your infinite wisdom you shall act upon our requests posthaste.
Sincerely Yours,
The 99% and the Giant Fucking Owl