Date: June 6, 2012
Subject: Your Fearless Leader Saves the Day Yet Again
OMG, you guys! I had the best idea ever yesterday! One that’s guar an-damn-teed to pull this company up by its boot straps and turn it into the undisputed king of the gaming industry!
We’re going to rip off these assholes. They’ve made millions for charity selling a bunch of crap programmed by mouth breathing nerds in the comfort of their mothers’ basements. Just *think* how much money we could make if we released a similar bundle of games from *real* developers. You know, guys with offices and stuff.
Just look at that crap! Limbo? Who the fuck wants to play a game about walking under a stick at a luau? And Psychonauts? If I ever see Tim Schafer I’m going to bust him up high and tight with the old number one, if you get my drift. Tim Schafer games are like ugly fat girls who think it’s ok to be fat and ugly because they’re ***sooooooo quirky :)***.
(Quick note: Johnny B., make sure we don’t hire anyone who might remind me of a Tim Schafer game. Any fat girls you bring into the 38 Studios family had better be mean, bitter, bitchy, and free of Hello Kitty accessories. If an applicant is just a chubbier versions of that girl from NCIS hand her an application to the Starbucks up the street and send her on her way.)
The dream team I’m about to put together is going to blow this garbage out of the water. All proceeds from the Humble Corporate Bumble go directly to the state of Rhode Island in the name of paying off our company’s debt. Anything we make above and beyond that goes into the Schilling Family Summer Vay-Kay in Monaco Fund.
I’ve got feelers out with my industry contacts. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be a part of the Humble Corporate Bundle?
The day is ours,
Date: June 7, 2012
Subject: Three Commitments to the Bundle!
It is with great pleasure that I announce the first three contributors to the greatest thing since that staple that kept my ankle from falling off, the Humble Corporate Bundle!
- From id Software, Daikatana! John Romero’s making us all his bitch yet again!
- From the friendly folks at Sega comes one of the most transcendent characters in all of gaming history: Seaman!
- And to give the Bundle a jolt of star power, a classic fighting game from Delphine Entertainment: Shaq Fu!
What a lineup! Those indie fuckers are surely shaking in their boots. I emailed Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee an outline of our plan and these first three games this morning. He responded with a simple “:)”. Obviously he too sees the potential of the Humble Corporate Bundle, even though he’s a no-nothing politician and the sole reason for the troubles here at 38 Studios.
More to come!
Date: June 8, 2012
Subject: Fuck Bethesda
Bethesda called today and offered some shit called Daggerfall for the Bundle. I had Johnny B. Google it. Upon seeing the results, I respectfully regretted to inform them that their offer was not up to the standards of the Humble Corporate Bundle. Last thing we need is some low-rent Kingdoms of Amalur rip-off with shitty graphics.
See you at this afternoon’s ice cream social!
Date: June 9, 2012
Subject: The Bundle is Complete!
My industry contacts have not failed me. We big businessmen really know how to stick together and keep this piddly little independent assholes programming in their garages where they belong!
With no further ado, I give to you the second trio of games in the Humble Corporate Bundle:
- Battleship: The Video Game. All the hip, edgy kids went to see this adaptation of the board game in the theater this summer. This addition will help us capitalize on their mindshare.
- Towing Simulator. Got to make sure there’s something for everyone in our little bundle!
- And, the crown jewel of the Bundle and one of my personal favorites: Homefront!
Wow! Together with Daikatana, Seaman, and Shaq Fu, that’s one hell of a package! Slap Ms. Rhode Island/USA on the front dressed like Seaman and we’ve got a money-making dynamo on our hands!
In related news, Johnny B. and I sat down today to work out pricing. We’re going to sell the Humble Corporate Bundle for $347.99. After licensing and distribution fees, we only have to move 500,000 units to pay back Rhode Island and ensure a summer vacation to remember for the Schilling family. With titles like these in the Bundle, we’ll probably sell twice that!
See when we’re all rich,
The preceding was a parody. You know, a joke. D Pad D Bags is not affiliated with 38 Studios. We don’t want Rhode Island’s money.