Date: October 1, 2012
Subject: New Revenue Streams
It’s no secret that things aren’t going so well for ol’ 38. If you’ve been paying attention to the news–and you shouldn’t be, because I’m not paying you losers to be well versed in politics or to know what Miley Cyrus is up to–you know that we owe our creditors a shit ton of money. But fear not, ladies and germs; the big CS is about to implement several new initiatives sure to put us back in the black.
- Big Rob, our generous landlord here in our new offices in the Satin Doll (Providence’s second classiest gentlemen’s club), has graciously agreed to a new theme night every other Tuesday: Amalur Amateur Night! Aspiring dancers and local ladies looking for a fun night out are encouraged to hit the pole in their finest Kingdoms of Amalur cosplay. 38 Studios gets half the gate.
- We’ve come to terms with Dave and Buster’s on the installation of a new Kingdoms of Amalur cabinet in a prime location beside the always-popular Whack-a-Mole machines. It’ll be $1 for five minutes of play. Gamers can transfer their home Amalur characters into the cabinet using Dropbox.
- The City of Providence has been kind enough to allow us to set up a bake sale table near Water Fire every Thursday night between now and the end of November. I’ve tasked Johnny B. with organizing a baking schedule for you all.
Words cannot express how excited I am for these new initiatives. I’m sure you’ll all enjoy your designated times at the bake sale table. Cherry Cheesecake, the Doll’s featured performer, has graciously agreed to serve as our bake sale table booth babe. If she shows up with brownies, throw that shit in the river immediately.
You can’t keep a good man down,
Date: October 2, 2012
So…uh…am I the only one that didn’t know we have a Baltimore office? How long has that been there? Did Maryland loan them any money? If they didn’t, why the fuck did they set up shop in a dump like Baltimore? Dan Duquette’s there, and he’s icky.
Date: October 3, 2012
Subject: Going, going, gone! It’s auction time!
There’s a rumor going around town that I’m going to have to sell the famous bloody sock from my 2004 World Series run with the Boston Red Sox. Although one of these dumb New Englanders would certainly pay enough for that sock to bail 38 Studios out three times over, I just can’t bare to part with it. Luckily, I’ve got plenty of other old laundry to sell, including:
- Navy blue boxer briefs from 1998 game against San Francisco, complete with authentic skid mark (starting at $20 million)
- Champagne-soaked shoelace from 2001 National League Championship Series victory celebration (starting at $17 million)
- Promise ring I gave to Mary Jo Baker after striking out 45 batters in 27 innings during a high school game (plastic)(starting at $6.6 million).
- Black hooded sweatshirt borrowed from Luis Gonzalez, worn once, never returned (starting at $11.125 million)
- Unused athletic supporter from 2004, decorated with a smily face drawn by Manny Ramirez (starting at $25 million)
- Relatively clean sock from healthy foot worn during 2004 World Series ($8 million)
Some of those starting prices might seem a bit low, but I’m sure the winning bids will be much higher.
We’re in the money!
The preceding was a parody. You know, a joke. D Pad D Bags is not affiliated with 38 Studios. We don’t want Rhode Island’s money.