Phegan and I were discussing a Top Ten Mass Effect Crew Members list when we had a brainstorm: why not draft two separate crews instead! With fantasy baseball season upon us, everyone’s in a drafting mood! Everybody loves a good draft except people who prefer auctions! We could be like the Matthew Berry and Eric Karabell of Mass Effect! Is it a bit drafty in here, or is it just us?
After using a very scientific method to decide our draft order (Phegan said I could go first), the draft proceeded as follows:
Round 1, Team Yacht Captain
I’ll take Garrus Vakarian. Dude got hit in the face with a rocket. A fucking rocket. And he named himself Archangel. That’s the nickname I assigned my Scott Colby create-a-wrestler in the last Smackdown vs. Raw. Garrus was destined to be the captain of Team Yacht Captain.
Round 1, Team Egan
Fortunately, I know that you aren’t going to pick my true number one. So, I am going to use my first pick to secure someone who you may steal from me in the second round. With the second pick of the draft, I am going to select Mordin Solus, the man helped create the genophage, speaks faster than the micromachines guy, and because of this:
Round 2, Team Yacht Captain
With the third pick, Team Yacht Captain’s bringing on the galaxy’s best mechanic: Tali’Zorah nar Rayya vas Normandy par My Yacht. My biggest disappointment with the first game was not having the option to romance Tali. When I discovered I could in ME2, I dropped Miranda and her zillion polygon ass like a bad habit.
Round 2, Team Egan
With my second pick, Team Egan selects Thane Krios. How often do you get a green motherfucker with a terminal illness making up for the sins of his past by slaying some rich cunt in a tower. Plus the man wears a duster–or at least that’s how I remember him, because he is a fucking bad ass. The man is like Robin Hood, but instead of taking from the rich and giving to the poor, he just kills the rich.
Round 3, Team Yacht Captain
Thane was the only one that died on me in ME2. What a pussy. You can have him.
I’ll round out my top three with Jack, the self-proclaimed “biotic bitch.” Always properly dressed for a lazy afternoon sunning on the deck of my yacht, Jack’s powers are great for both fending off pirate attacks and levitating drinks over from the bar. Color me unsurprised that the first human taken off the board is also the craziest. The rest? Blah.
Round 3, Team Egan
Damn it. I wanted Jack–she was absolutely my next pick even though she was the only one beside Legion who died for me in Mass Effect 2. I need to hit the stat sheets again and look at who has the best projections for my next pick.
I am going to have to go with Urdnot Wrex. Time to add some muscle into my team. Wrex is the king of not giving a fuck. The only issue I see with Wrex is that with Mordin already on my team, there will be a slight bit of instability. I mean, Mordin may be the reason why Wrex can not reproduce.
Round 4, Team Yacht Captain
Damn. Scooped me on that one. My team needed some muscle, and he was going to be it.
I’ll take the next best muscle: Miranda Lawson’s ass. And the woman to which it’s attached. Pixar spent less time animating Wall-E than Bioware spent on Miranda’s posterior, and I imagine they also employed an unpaid intern who’s sole job was planning all the gratuitous butt shots. Despite Bioware’s attempts to objectify her, the story about Miranda’s father designing her and her sister to be the perfect women made her a reasonably compelling character.
Round 4, Team Egan
Well, you seem to be selecting my picks directly before me, which is not cool. I have no choice but to select Liara T’Soni. When dealing with anything Protean, she is the one to go with, plus, she is at the nice young, ripe age of 106. She was with me at the end of the first Mass Effect and made it pretty easy to beat Saren. While I am not a FemShep, it’s been said that Liara goes both ways–can you say that about Ms. Lawson? Speaking of Lawson, have you watch Lawson: White Heat yet?
Round 5, Team Yacht Captain
Solid choice. I had her with me at the end of both the first and third games. Liara’s like a security blanket.
As for Lawson, I’ll watch it when you read my novel, Shotgun.
I’ll anchor Team Yacht Captain (see what I did there? LOL!) with Legion. You don’t fuck with a robot that can survive a big gaping hole in its chest. Even if he’s wearing some of your old clothes and it’s kind of creepy.
Round 5, Team Egan
Down to the process of elimination for my last pick. I disliked Ashley Williams from the first second I met that whiny bitch. She found a way to get her self in trouble from the start of the game, I let her guard the shit out of the bomb, and I let her die doing it. That doesn’t mean I like Kaidan Alenko any better–he was the most vanilla character in the game, and he was an emo bitch in Mass Effect 2 when I showed up to save him: look, you just saved my life, but I can’t believe you are with Cerberus–I mean, they only remade you from a puddle of goo. I’ve already met my Asari quota with Liara, so Samara is out. Similarly, I already have my Krogan quota met with Wrex, so Grunt is out–plus, who likes test tube babies anyway? That leaves me with Jacob Taylor, which isn’t a bad choice. The man has some muscle and some biotic power, so he’s well rounded. After you got to watch him kill his asshole dad he develops a chip on his shoulder, so that could help out a lot.
|Team Yacht Captain||Team Egan|
|Garrus Varkarian||Mordin Solus|
|Tali’zorah nar Rayyah||Thane Krios|
|Miranda Lawson||Liara T’Soni|
Team Yacht Captain leans heavily on powerful biotics and tech specialists, mostly ignoring the strength and weapons proficiency of the soldier class–as expected, given that Colby considers soldiers to be boring as shit in Mass Effect. Fire ammo? Cryo ammo? Concussive shot? Come on! Without a true tank, Team Yacht Captain could be in trouble at close range or in an ambush.
Team Egan, meanwhile, features a bit more balance. Soldiers Thane and Jacob can keep Wrex covered while Mordin works the tech and Liara whips up the biotics. There’s danger here, though: no amount of fried chicken and beer will patch the relationship between Wrex and Mordin.
Available on the Waiver Wire:
Ashley Williams, Kaiden Alenko, that dude who died in the very first mission in the original Mass Effect, Grunt, Samara, EDI, James Vega. Team Egan might do well to add Alenko for his combination of tech and biotic prowess. The Captain could use Grunt or Vega to bring a bit of toughness to a squad lacking in machismo.
What do you think, readers? Who’s got the better squad?