I Hate Everything, Such As The Putrid Late-Term Abortion That Is The Xbox One

Oh boy. For someone who hates everything, its rare when I actually get happy about something that I can hate so well. Is it the ease? Or maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have to do jack shit while it makes an ass out of itself. Its like seeing someone get their first pube and run around screaming “HEY GUYS LOOK AT ME I GOT MY FIRST PUBE OH MY GOD” and then watch them crash and burn. For what they thought was a cool thing to show everybody and endorse and shout it from the rooftops was in reality an open admission to be clinically bat-fucking-shit insane and revealing just how out of touch they are with reality. If you happen to be a fucknugget and haven’t figured it out, Microsoft is the random fuckwad and the Xbox One is the pube in this scenario.

See, one of the easiest ways to see that Microsoft is currently going through a midlife crisis fueled by heroin and bath salts is purely the name. Xbox One. One. What kind of name is that? The first model didn’t need another name for it was the first Xbox to exist. Xbox 360 might have been one of the few actually legit titles that I have ever seen. It was an Xbox, and was doing a 360-degree turn from its old standards and reinventing itself.

So rather than follow up with the equally legit title of Xbox 720 or the reddit-spawned title of Xbox Infinity, which was a cool name by the way, you chose the Xbox ONE. Microsoft, sometimes I’m concerned for your mental health and your well being, especially in products you produce. Windows Vista? Windows 8? Xbox One? Office 365? In all honesty, I’d love to know who the hell is making up these names and what kind of ganja they’re smoking, ‘cause I want some of that shit.

Alright, lets stop bashing on the name long enough to look at what really matters when releasing a new system…which is everything from launch titles to specifications about the goddamn machine. The Xbox One sports “new” titles such as Destiny and Titanfall, which we can skip the fucking formality’s and just call the little shits New Halo That Totally Isn’t Halo and Team Fortress 2 With Worse Quality In Space! respectively. Other titles are mentioned, such as the godforsaken Halo 5 and others but really, who gives a shit? Many does not mean good. Launch titles have a history of being one of two extremes; amazing games or seizure inducing filth. In Microsoft’s case, you may want to avoid it if you have epilepsy.

Technology-wise, the Xbox One seems to be nothing special. Other than an upgraded memory and a better core, it just seems like a PS3, but in a much, MUCH shittier design. So effectively it brings almost nothing new other than RAM, Smartglass and the Kinect 2. Yes, the amazing super-duper-totally-not-cooperating-and-helping-the NSA-spy-on-you-and-enjoys-watching-you-wank infamous visual device bundled with the machine. To be fair, the damn thing is fucking powerful. It’s so damn powerful it can detect your HEARTBEAT. Now if this doesn’t strike an Orwellian vibe with you, I think I can translate it for you in your native tongue: hurr durr jurr.

Now here’s where it gets juicy. The Xbox One cannot function unless the Kinect 2 is always connected. This creates a scenario that unless it is hooked up at all times, the machine that is supposed to be your ultimate gaming platform turns into a massive inoperable cancer in your household. It sits there, unusable, almost as if mocking you while staring you in the eye as it wanks, But when you plug it in, it can never be turned off, like ever.

Of course Microsoft tries to deny this, by saying “you can turn the software off, but you can’t disconnect it”. I don’t buy that shit, like I wouldn’t buy a dildo from Ron Jeremy. This plus the earlier mentioned always watching makes this thing beyond scary, almost as scary if there was porn of Justin Bieber and One Direction having a 6 way with Mikhail Gorbachev.

Now here comes the multiple icings on the go fuck yourself cake, courtesy of Microsoft bastardized bakery. Once every 24 hours, your Xbox One must connect to Microsoft’s servers to make sure that your game is a legitimate copy and to make sure that you have the privilege they so graciously gave you to play their game.  Then comes the fact that the entire system must be always online. This creates a statement to those who cannot afford or do not have access to a stable and constant internet connection, which can be transcribed as simply; Ha ha ha ha, fuck poor people.

This all is turning out to be an absolutely horrible scenario, huge DRM, crappy release titles, consumer contempt and all that other good hell spawn. Now the final nail in the coffin was revealed this year at our very own shitfest called E3; the price. Even after demanding sixty dollars a year for Xbox Live and now an high speed connection, they have the balls to charge you, wait for it, FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. Holy fucking shit. 500 bucks for the Kinect to anal probe you and make sure your blood type is the one on record?

All of the points above combined show one final result: Microsoft has officially and bizarrely destroyed themselves. With a blatant disregard to their user base and an almost hostile route with the Kinect 2, they tripped up BAD. So while they were acting all googily fucking moogily, all Sony had to do was NOT do what Microsoft did and they were able to ravage and destroy the Xbox One at E3. With no DRM, indie support, a reasonable price, and good humor, Sony displayed to Microsoft how to NOT be a giant dick.

If you haven’t fucking guessed by now, I don’t like the Xbox One, but it makes me feel bubbly inside. Usually I have to stare at something for hours, getting madder and madder and focusing on random shit to get angry. This time, I didn’t have to do jack, as Microsoft did it for me. Thanks, you fuck wit. But don’t in any way take this as any sort of recommendation for this lame shit covered excuse for a “new generation” game console.

In fact, from what I’ve seen so far I’d rather have one half of a jetpack shoved up my ass at a 135° angle and slammed forward with the g-force of twenty roller-coasters toward a Looney Tunes sized rotating cheese grater than buy an Xbox One. At least then I won’t survive the ordeal, and thus I won’t have to submit myself to daily butt sex with our glorious overlord, Microsoft, and its royal servant, the Kinect 2.

To condense this article: buy a PS4, or bend over and spread your asscheeks wide.

–Benny E-S


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  • Tyler Mayerchak

    “It was an Xbox, and was doing a 360-degree turn from its old standards and reinventing itself.”

    That’s about where I realized that you shouldn’t be allowed on the internet.

    Oh and Windows 8 is the eighth version of windows, makes sense to me dumbass.

  • http://www.dpaddbags.com/blog/author/bennyes/ Benny E-S

    Obvious troll is obvious.

  • Harry Mason

    I’m a PS4 supporter, I’ve never own a Microsoft console and
    I never plan on it, but that was pretty inflammatory and lacks any objectivity
    that could allow me to take you seriously.

    I dislike the Xbox
    one but aside from DRM you barely supported your argument as to why it’s so
    awful. So now that they’ve 180’d the always online policy how has your opinion
    changed? You should probably amend this article or update it at some point.

    A lot of your hate was really unneeded; you didn’t mention a
    lot of issues of the Xbox One or their E3 press conference, you just kind of
    glossed over it with a “Well it doesn’t matter” kind of attitude. You
    covered barely any games, two to be exact and only one game you mention was
    exclusively an Xbox One game. There was a lot more you could have mentioned but
    choose not to.

    My advice to you is to go more in depth when explaining your
    issues otherwise you complaints can seem shallow. Calming down would also
    really benefit you as you’ll come off a lot better for it, AVGN-like vulgar comparisons
    comes off as a little tasteless and it’s almost like blind rage.