I’ve got a confession to make: I’ve never been to PAX. Never. Not once. Not even during my wild college years, when I guzzled Peach Schnapps and Diet Vanilla Pepsi cocktails like they were water. No, I’m not religious. Nor am I morbidly obese–I’m actually quite svelte, thank you very much, and my mother says I’m very handsome. I’m not saving myself. I’m not afraid of it. I just haven’t gotten around to it.
But that all ends this coming Saturday when–in an explosive shower of game demos, free swag, cosplay, and booth babes–my PAX cherry is finally popped. I’m really looking forward to it, even though I know it’s probably going to hurt a little bit.
That’s not to say I’m not nervous. I only have the scantest idea what I’m about to get myself into. And that makes me a bit uncomfortable. For every hope I’ve got for my first experience at PAX East, I can’t help but have a fear. That’s the problem with being a jaded, judgmental asshole.
Hope: The game demos are going to be awesome!
Fear: I’m going to spend three hours waiting in line just to play Homefront 2 for 3 minutes.
Hope: There will be lots of cool costumes! I’m going to get my picture taken with Tali, Gordon Freeman, Mega Man, and the Master Chief!
Fear: Everybody’s going to be dressed as Thwomp and one of them is going to fall on me.
Hope: All the attendees are going to be really nice and friendly! I’m going to have lots of great conversations about my favorite hobby and get lots of people interested in D Pad D Bags!
Fear: Some basement dwelling rube is going to make fun of my choice of lanyard, then I’m going to be assaulted by a non-stop bitch session about Mass Effect 3′s ending.
Hope: The gorgeous booth babes are going to represent their products tastefully and professionally.
Fear: All the booth babes were picked up on the side of Route 1 and they think they’re working the boat show.
Hope: The Convention Center will have convenient escalators for getting to any higher or lower floors.
Fear: The only means of traveling up or down will be via correctly rearranging a wall of blocks and shoving aside anyone that gets in the way.
Hope: Everyone will obey the expanded rules of PAX.
Fear: Someone who ate at the Whiskey Priest is going to poop on the floor.
Hope: I’m going win the Halo: Reach tournament!
Fear: I’m going to lose to a seven-year-old who’s there with his mother.
Sub-Hope: After losing, I’m going to take the kid’s mother out for a nice steak dinner and never call her again. Vengeance will be mine.
Sub-Fear: I’ll acquire my first restraining order and have to go without steak.
Hope: I’m going to have a great time and walk away feeling like I got my money’s worth!
Fear: I’m going to have to pay extra to download all the good stuff a couple of days later.
All joking and being a pessimistic jerk aside, I’m sure my trip to PAX East is going to be more fun than assigning skill points after leveling up (author’s note: I fucking love doing that). But if anyone poops on the floor, all bets are off.