So you think video games are for little boys and girls who are lacking the maturity to do real, grown up things like eat fiber and date investment bankers? How about spending a day immersing oneself in drama, excitement, camaraderie and Cheese Doodles? Is that something only a 10-year-old should do? Do pajama pants and headsets seem like a childish wardrobe choice to you?
Do you think all this stuff? Do you really?
Well, the market has spoken. Apparently, the GameStop has grown up alongside the video game generation and is no longer speaking the language of the three to 12-year-old market. Or whatever the demographic is. Who cares? The point is that GameStop is no longer for kids, just like gamers have been saying for years. And in response to this, GameStop Corp. (a Fortune 500 company) has opened GameStop KIDS, a holiday-timed take-a-chunk-outta-the-toy-store-market bunch of “pop-up” stores that hopes to, apparently, sell plush Wookiees and Angry Birds licensed Everything©™ to kids who have the misfortune of growing up without real GI Joe. So where’s that leave the regular GameStops? Oh, that’s right: selling games to grownups. A Fortune 500 company is implicitly implying in a roundabout way that I am a mature adult who makes good decisions.
IN YOUR FACE!
Who’s a hairy man-child now? Who’s emotionally stunted now? Who’s dipping tortilla chips in Gerber’s Strained Peas baby food NOW? Ok, I admit to the last one, but they were on sale and are really pretty good with a little dash of cumin.
So, now that we’ve got that straight: Gamestop KIDS is an excellent idea! Think about the possibilities! Now you can do your holiday shopping all in one place! Your nephew with the nut allergy? A nut-free Minecraft stuffed pickaxe. Your niece with ringworm? Totally a Lego Harry Potter kid. Your second cousin who is constantly eating boogers will love his brand new Skylanders’ GameStop exclusive Golden Dragonfire Cannon Battlepack! Just the thing for the child who likes things like Skylanders’ GameStop exclusive Golden Dragonfire Cannon Battlepack. And what child doesn’t?
It’s even got solutions for that Hard To Shop For kid. Got an ankle-biter who loves Star Wars but also loves Angry Birds? Usually I’d say, “You got it half right, idiot,” but thanks to modern marketing synergy, you’ll soon be able to have the best of both worlds with an official Angry Birds Star Wars plush Darth Vader… pig, maybe? I guarantee some animal is in a Darth Vader helmet. You’ll be helping the economy. And you can satisfy this stupid kid, which is the important thing I guess.
Just remember one thing, and this is vitally important to this whole grand experiment in vindication working out. Under no circumstances–and I mean NO circumstances–is any adult gamer walk into a GameStop KIDS with the intention of buying a two-foot talking Chewbacca for him or herself. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? This place is for the child, NOT the child at heart. Don’t mess this up, please. We’re looking at some validation as real adults here. The last thing we need is to force GameStop’s hand and make them open GameStop Babies, featuring Skyrim “Took an Arrow to the Knee” onesies and Angry Birds’ Darth Potato tippy cups. I don’t think anybody wants that.
GameStop KIDS opens in 80 locations across the country and “features an assortment of this holiday’s most desired [all ages] video games and accessories, game licensed products, popular toy brands and collectibles.”