Mitt Romney’s hair is a fucking delight. Seriously, just look at it. Take it all in. Clear your mind and let its follicular awesomeness wash over and through every inch of your body in cleansing waves of euphoria as the urge to slowly run your fingers through it builds to an unbearable crescendo. You don’t want to look away, do you? I know; it’s hard. But you’ve got responsibilities. A job. Maybe some kids or a plant that you have to take care of. You have to look away and return to the doldurms of real life, where, sadly, not all hair is as resplendent as Mr. Romney’s. It’s ok. We can get through this together.
Luckily, gaming is here to help us get through ‘do detox. Here are a few options to sate your perfect hair appetite when a picture of Mr. Romney is unavailable.
Carth Onasi (Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic) – Sure, Carth’s a whiny, bitchy, terrible stand-in for Han Solo–but his luscious locks were surely put together by the Star Forge itself. The man escaped the bombardment of Taris, survived torture at the hands of his former mentor, and saved the galaxy from the Sith without knocking a single strand out of place. Somebody check this man’s midichlorian count; that’s some Jedi Master-level shit.
Handsome Jack (Borderlands 2) – Pandora’s harsh climate is hell on hair. Hyperion’s prototype ultra-gel isn’t enough to completely maintain your coif while riding Butt Stallion across the badlands; it takes strong genetics that border on Siren-level powers. Could Jack have taken over Hyperion with lesser locks? Maybe, but all homicidal corporate movers and shakers know that a dapper pompadour can open doors that a pistol or a set of balloon tits can’t.
Andrew Ryan (Bioshock) – Would you kindly brush my hair 5000 strokes before I go to bed each evening? Why yes, Mr. Ryan, nothing would please me more. There’s only one word to describe the coif of Rapture’s architect: utopia. If only such a perfectly formed tresses were available via plasmid! There wouldn’t be a Little Sister left standing.
The Illusive Man (Mass Effect 2 and 3) – When you’re the brains behind the intergalactic Illuminati, your hair had damn well better look like a million bucks–and Mass Effect’s Illusive Man certainly delivers the goods. His stylish-yet-conservative ‘do firmly establishes humanity as the preeminent species in the galaxy. The Turians? Too spiky. The Asari? Too tentacle-y. Even the geth couldn’t program themselves a better coif.
Bayonetta (Bayonetta) – For all its radiance, Mr. Romney’s hair just can’t manage to pull off any magic tricks. Supposedly he tried to turn it into a roaring lion at a party once and thoroughly embarrassed himself. Enter everyone’s favorite pistol-toting Witch, Bayonetta, who’s managed to weaponize her hair in a manner the rest of us can only dream of. (examples) She also clothes herself in her luscious locks, leaving her a bit exposed when she’s killing something with a giant hair dragon–but also proving that, unlike Mr. Romney, Bayonetta isn’t wearing Mormonderwear.