1. Ty Cobb – The Georgia Peach spent 22 seasons as a member of the Detroit Tigers before finishing his career with the Philadelphia Athletics. During that time, Cobb set 90 MLB records, several of which still stand. Despite his undeniable talent, Cobb was a bit too hotheaded to properly function as a modern CEO. He once fought a groundskeeper over the condition of the Tigers’ field at their spring training facility–and choked the man’s wife when she intervened. In 1912, Cobb assaulted a heckler in the stands in New York who didn’t have any hands with which to defend himself. He was also a notorious racist.
Would most likely waste $75 million developing…a puzzle game wherein you try to fit Ty’s knuckles into various jaws.
2. Ugueth Urbina – Imagine for a second you’re in charge of level design for a gaming company and you suddenly find yourself in need of a stapler for home. Thinking nothing of it, you borrow the office stapler for your own personal use. Five days later, your boss attempts to murder you with a machete and a can of gasoline. That’s exactly how Mr. Urbina responded to reported theft of a gun on his farm. Nevermind how stupid you have to be to attempt to bring down a group of men you suspect of having a gun with nothing more than a machete; American labor laws simply wouldn’t stand for that kind of employee abuse. Also, it’s kind of hard to run a game studio from prison.
Would most likely waste $75 million developing…a Diablo-style hack-n-slash.
3. Carl Everett – ”Jurassic Carl” takes the Bible very literally. None of the gospels say anything about dinosaurs, so to him, the giant reptiles never existed. He claims all fossils are manmade fakes. None of our modern consoles exist in the gospels, so Everett would surely focus development on a slew of new carts for the only gaming system any good Christian would ever own, the now-defunct Sega Genesis. All development cycles would be a mere six days long.
Would most likely waste $75 million developing…a point-and-click adventure detailing all of the animals on Noah’s Ark.
4. Rickey Henderson – Rickey holds the all-time MLB records for stolen bases, unintentional walks, runs scored, and leadoff home runs. Rickey is not good with money, having once framed a $1 million signing bonus rather than cashing it and hence losing out on several months of interest. Rickey could ditch the company to try to play baseball again at any moment. Rickey has a tendency to speak in the third person, which would make Rickey a hoot while unveiling a game at E3, but would otherwise make things confusing if multiple Rickeys were hired by his studio.
Would most likely waste $75 million developing…a Sonic the Hedgehog clone starring an alpaca.
5. Rafael Palmeiro – I know what you’re thinking. 500 home runs! 3000 hits! A sweet mustache! The balls to shill Viagra on national TV! Underneath this flaccid, mustachioed talent lurks a man who lied about having never used steroids only to test positive a few months later. Although lying and getting caught seems to be becoming the status quo for modern CEO’s, it’s probably best to start with someone who doesn’t have that reputation.
Would most likely waste $75 million developing…an iOS version of Apples to Apples.