The Luteces showed me how to control an electrical universe with their machine, the same one that brought them to the year 2013 where, they said, there were special shops that sold universes inside boxes. You put a plate inside a metal box and then add some wires to a projector that lets you see what you’re controlling. I’m glad to report that the people of the future are endearing to the city of Columbia, and put it in a box labeled Bioshock: Infinite. I didn’t have any pressing matters of jingoism to get to so I sat down to manipulate Columbia for a while.
It turns out the guy on the box is the False Shephard so let me describe this guy to you: white. All the more reason to stay alert folks as he could be among you! But seriously, nah, the False Shephard is most definitely a Jew, a black, or a china-man, so right away I was like, “Whoa, stop right there little universe.” This guy was even a hero at Wounded Knee. The universe then gets more and more incorrect, taking you on kind of a tourist trip around the city. It’s a controller, but really you can’t control the universe, only the False Shephard, so I started to lose interest, but I had to admit it was fun getting to treat daily politics so lightly. Anyways, I thought it seemed like propaganda since you had to mow down so many Columbians, so I put down the controller and told the Luteces it was barely historical. They told me to control to the end. It was more of a large joke, than a proper history. Boy, were they right!
The Vox are in control for a little while and I die. My daughter seems to have gotten into control and bathed all the heathens in fire for a while (which is how you know the game is really pro-whitey), but then the universe finishes by insinuating a lot of stuff about baptism (again, a very white thing to end on). I was more or less pleased to see that the bookends of this story were both religiously dedicated to the mysticism of my birth, even if I doubt its sincerity. However, the universe was created by a company called Irrational, so maybe their style is about stylish misinterpretations, and in that case it’s fine. Whatever the case may be it is a charming introduction into the culture of Columbia, if you’re just getting learn about it, but nothing I’d suggest to a true believer. Maybe it will get us a couple of heathens to convert at best.