All this brouhaha surrounding Mass Effect 3′s controversial ending has really put a bee in my bonnet. I can’t go anywhere near a gaming website lately without becoming so angry that I want to punch the Internet right in its face. I’ve tried several means of calming myself–including yoga, writing in my little pink diary, and expressing my feelings through interpretative dance–but none of them have managed to soothe the savage beast I’ve become. When interpretative dance doesn’t help me, you know I’m legitimately pissed.
But I’ve come up with a new outlet for my anger, one that’s making me feel better all ready. I present to you, dear reader, the following petition, which I urge you to sign in the comments section at the end of this article.
We, the undersigned, humbly request that anyone and everyone outraged enough over the ending of Mass Effect 3 to demand that Bioware change their ending kindly shut the fuck up on the following spoiler-free grounds:
- Although the ending was not perfect, it sure as hell wasn’t terrible enough to warrant the ridiculous fan response.
- Said ridiculous fan response is childish and stupid and makes the undersigned embarrassed to be called gamers.
- You don’t see movie buffs and book nerds calling for the makers of their favorite content to change their endings. That’s because those consumers realize that their favorite medium isn’t about them–it’s about the creator expressing him or herself. The sense of entitlement inherent in most of the complaints leveled at Bioware does not exist in consumers of other media because it’s fucking asinine. Don’t even get us started on the grammar and spelling involved.
- Because it was all shooty and explody and awkward-polygonal-sex-sceny, many gamers misconstrued the game’s science fiction for space opera. Mass Effect is anything but space opera; it’s always asked the kind of tough moral questions about advanced technology on which science fiction hangs its hat. Good science fiction doesn’t slap you in the face with explanation or hand the answers to you on a silver platter. It challenges you to think the consequences through for yourself. The finale of Mass Effect 3 does just that.
- The short, abrupt ending is not at all out of character with the endings of the previous two games. Mass Effect has always been about the journey, not the destination.
- If this game were followed by any number other than 3, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.
- Assuming that Bioware is going to just give up on this cash cow of a franchise is short-sighted. Look at the situation the ending leaves us with and tell us, using complete sentences and solid logic, that it wouldn’t make an extremely compelling setting for future games–one with the potential to be even more thought-provoking and interesting than that of the original three games.
- Returning a piece of content for a full refund because you didn’t like it is ridiculous, especially if you purchased said content months before it actually became available in stores without bothering to learn anything about it first. There’s this fabulous new device that can reliably tell you whether you’re going to like a piece of content without spoiling its story: it’s called the Internet. You’re using it right now. Why anyone would bother paying more than $10 for something without researching it first–especially something in which they’re planning to invest thirty hours of their precious time–is a mystery philosophers will be debating until the end of time.
- Similarly, complaining about content you didn’t like to the FTC makes you a complete waste of food, water, oxygen, sunshine, smiles, puppies, ice cream, lovely days at the beach, birthday presents, pink and orange sunsets, and every other good thing in existence.
- Think of the precedent that would be set if your misguided efforts to change the ending are successful. Creativity in the genre will be squelched because developers won’t want to risk having to change it when you assholes get pissed. From then on, all endings will be ridiculous fan service circle jerks full of smiles and happy bunnies and every character that died coming back to life.
- All this hullabaloo will become even more inappropriate a few months from now when the very same gamers who are bitching to the high heavens about the ending of Mass Effect 3 line up to preorder Bioware’s next effort in the Dragon Age series rather than exercising the only option they have for making the company actually care about their complaints: voting with their wallets and taking their money elsewhere.
We, the undersigned, are sick of all the bitching about Mass Effect 3. Go do something more productive with your time and stop being a bunch of whiny babies. Garrus would agree.