Oliver Hong co-authored this article.
The plan is to review everything that has ever come out for the Nintendo Entertainment System in America, chronologically. We won’t be touching the foreign games or the three unlicensed, pornographic ones. Okay, maybe the three unlicensed, pornographic ones. They are more fun than some of these games.
In October 1985, Nintendo released the initial 18 games for the brand new Nintendo Entertainment System. There were some really memorable games, like Duck Hunt, Excitebike, and the immortal Super Mario Bros. Then, there were some other games that were…not so memorable…
Oliver – The Japanese are into some weird stuff (and I should know, I’ve been on the internet a few times). It’s all big boobs and huge eyes and spiky hair and shit. And tentacles and watermelons. I’m pretty sure all of Japan is like that, but I pay for wi-fi every month, and I’ve looked at a lot of…articles on Japan on…Wikipedia. I’m pretty sure you all know what I’m talking about.
Clu Clu Land is a game where you play a fish woman of some kind, and it’s up to you to earn jewels by swinging around stripper poles while shooting other fish with your fish jizz and slamming them into walls like some kind of aquatic strip club mosh pit.
Tom – Ok, I’ve got the beer and some bait and a couple of rods, I am ready for some fishing! Let’s get drunk and end up using dynamite…waitaminute…fish strippers? Are they at least mermaids and if so which half is which? Because enough of these beers and I’ll find a use for either.
Oliver – I don’t know. The 8-bit technology makes it super hard to figure that out, but considering that the entire game is played from a top-down perspective, the woman-fish looks like she’s pretty fishy up top.
Tom – Yeah, you’re right…holy shit! That fish has fucking arms! Darwin was right! All gods are wrong! Burn the churches and worship pure logic! Clu Clu Land…the whole game is a clue! We are the island, man!
Oliver – Okay, I just wanted to make jokes about fish strippers…
Tom – The fish stripper is our lord! She has shown us the way! Tip her highly! Coming to the stage now: the proof of evolution!
Oliver – Well, before our readers start an angry creationist mob, back to the game. I, for one, hated how fast the game goes, and I also hate the fact that it includes invisible trampolines that want to do nothing more than bounce you into the black whirlpools of oblivion. It’s an unexpected mechanic, sure, but–
Tom – Yeah, and the enemies, who you can turn into fish balls or whatever they are and they can still kill you. Their powers against the fishy lord are great, but she shall prevail. After all, she’s got arms. In summary, this game is really bad, even considering the time it came out (October 1985). As a puzzle game it makes a great drink coaster.
Oliver – Tom might have found some of my Japanese “research” so his brain might be a bit broken. Not to worry though, he’ll be back to normal after a few hours of looking at cat pictures on the internet. See you all next game!