Oliver Hong coauthored this article.
I don’t think anyone has attempted what we’re about to do…
The plan is to review every game ever released for the Nintendo Entertainment System in America, chronologically. We won’t be touching the foreign games or the three unlicensed, pornographic ones. Okay, maybe the three unlicensed, pornographic ones. They are more fun than some of these other games.
In October 1985, Nintendo released the initial 18 games for the brand new Nintendo Entertainment System. There were some really memorable games, like Duck Hunt, Excitebike, and the immortal Super Mario Bros. Then, there were some other games that were…not so memorable.
10-Yard Fight is, alphabetically speaking, first up.
Tom – Originally an arcade game, 10-Yard Fight was a football game that didn’t quite follow the rules of football. You play NO defense whatsoever, and if you don’t make a touchdown within 10 or so minutes, you and your entire team are horribly murdered in your locker room (well, it’s just game over, but that’s what I think happens). There are about 5 or 6 levels that look exactly the same, save for your opponents’ uniforms.
Oliver – What really disappointed me was the lack of fighting in this Ten Yard Fight. I didn’t see any guns, any swords or anything of the sort–it seems to me that this game totally lied outright. I wanted action, and all I got was some 8-bit pixelated crap that seemed more like Hundred Yard Wiggle than 10-Yard Fight. Is this supposed to be some sort of joke? What the heck is that brown thing being passed around?
Tom – Oliver, that’s a football…this is a football game…
Oliver – Am I supposed to hit people with it? If that’s supposed to be a bullet, then the developers really messed up there. I don’t think people are supposed to be dancing and jumping around when they get shot. Imagine Black Ops but instead of people falling down, they start doing that horse riding dance craze that I keep hearing about. When I shoot people in the face I want their brains to splatter against the adjacent wall. I do not want to create a dance party when I’m going on a killing spree.
The graphics suck, the gameplay sucks, and everything is confusing and misleading: 999/10.
Tom – Yeah, the graphics suck, so does the gameplay…but it was the early 80’s, and back then this was as addictive and available as crack…and also distributed via the government to destabilize the inner cities.
So that was 10-Yard Fight…next we’ll try to do a better review, with more substance…and sticking to our chronological review schedule, that would be…fuck, really? Baseball? How the fucking shit are we supposed to get anything of substance out of a six team game? Hell, according to my wiki-research, the game was originally supposed to represent the central league of Japanese teams. In America, we have way more than six teams, but here, that’s all you get. No, fuck this, we are not gonna do an in-depth review of Baseball. You want to know about baseball? Here ya go. Read up and enjoy; you’ll not be getting a recap of that from us. This game’s supposed baseball players can’t seem to track the ball and will not move until it hits the ground, unless they decide to play. It’s like me that time I was in little league. Sometimes I’d just stand out in right field and zone out. Hell, they left me out there some nights, and I’d awaken in the early A.M. in a daze. So seriously, fuck Baseball. NEVER PLAY THIS VIDEO GAME.
Here’s a haiku about Baseball:
Baseball is a game
For the Nintendo system
I would not play it